Saturday, December 3

100% Honesty

How funny it is to see the 3-year-ago me using the first person angle of the today-me. In other words, see the past retrospectively using hindsight.

There were many shameful things to reflect upon. Like I was extremely (the word 'extremely' is still an understated adjective to describe, in my opinion) ignorant about the importance of money. I talked shits like 'Don't think about money, the main thing about travelling is to open your world view'. And I took things like 'values', 'happiness', 'learning', 'relevance' as some magical holy sacred Pandoras created by Jesus. I wanted to be the best Buddha that never offend anyone. I clung on every single unimportant and redundant fine details like a koala bear yet I easily over theorised & generalised complicated stuffs into empty big concepts that didn't help but made things more intertwining and sticky. I only thought the big concepts/theories about a plan , and its first step, but the following steps were always empty (and I assumed 'all is well'), and things never happened.

And all of those are not the main points. The main point is:
I did all of those things WITHOUT REALISING that I was doing them!

The ironic and embarrassing thing is that I was the one who kept telling everyone to put themselves as a tiny dot in the ecosystem but not center of the universe. The biggest secret that I kept from myself is that I was the one who put myself at the centre 24/7! Proudly, shamelessly and idiotically.

I viewed myself as a king that could command the world, and thought that everyone else was inferior towards me. I sensed things shallowly and lived in my own world. All of those happened for only one reason:
I feared the ultimate self awareness, I feared that people will come to my face and tell me the most truthfully ugly truths. I had a brittle fragile little useless heart.

I think there were a significant numbers of people who disagreed with me and viewed my actions as some funny useless shits. But I never knew and I wasn't aware at all, because I never bothered to ask others about their opinions towards me. And people never tell you the ugly truth because no one would ever tell things to get upset faces in return. They started sugar-coating unintentionally (with good intent and trying not to hurt me) when they were speaking to me. Those who really cared about me told me real stuffs but I chose to disagree and in fact argue with them, thinking that I was the 'right one' with my bastard ego.

That was good in the sense that the blissful ignorance gave me a lot of amazing courage to march forward without single doubts. At the same time it was so bad in long run as I didn't face my true-self to nurture the real confidence. The real confidence and self-esteem only can be raised after falling hard enough to face the real version of yourself.

The lesson is about humility that doesn't defeat confidence. Accept that I am bad in many senses, I am inferior than many others. But that doesn't mean that I couldn't do great things. Confidence must be there always, side by side with humility. They are great rivals and great friends for life.

I have been afraid of being the real one in my entire life. I have always been afraid to jump into the pool and accept shits on my face. Define your worst shits and just jump into the pool to face them

And I started doing this. Right now!

And I have almost forgotten this cool blog :

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